Tamar is childless and widowed - not once, but twice. Tamar’s dead husbands were the elder sons of Judah. In order to have a child, Tamar tricks Judah by adopting a disguise, covering her face, and pretending to be an anonymous prostitute. Not knowing it is Tamar, Judah gets Tamar pregnant.
Judah is angered when he discovers that Tamar is pregnant, but does not yet know that Tamar was the anonymous woman with whom he slept. In his mind, Tamar is the widow of his two elder sons, how could she be pregnant!?! Judah’s anger prompts him to threaten Tamar.
Tamar unmasks herself so that Judah will know the truth of who she is. But she takes great care to unmask herself discreetly so as to not humiliate or shame Judah. In response, Judah drops his threats and admits his error saying, “She is more righteous than I am” (Bereisheet 38:26) Tamar is celebrated with the birth of twin sons, one of whom is identified in the Hebrew bible as a direct ancestor of King David.
Many commentators focus on the care Tamar takes to keep from shaming Judah. From this the Rabbis say “it is better to bring harm to oneself than to cause shame to another person, which we learn from Tamar” (Brachot 43b)
In other words, we are transformed when we drop disguises and unmask ourselves. When we take risks to reveal our true selves it is crucial to keep from shaming others.
Our tradition frowns on pretending to be a different person than we are or to bring shame on someone else anonymously. There are limited cases when the opposite is true, when it is important to protect someone’s anonymity - for example, in the case of avoiding harmful publicity to the victim of a sex crime. In most cases, however, being masked or anonymous are profoundly problematic.
We sometimes idealize anonymity and even bring Jewish examples to do so. For instance, in this week’s parasha, modern commentators praise the “anonymous man” who gives Joseph guidance on his journey to find his brothers. (For example, Rabbi Shlomo Riskin 2010 Vayeshev Commentary from "Jerusalem Post" or Rabbi Wendi Geffen 2011 Vayeshev Commentary from AJWS)
In Bereisheet 37, the so-called “anonymous man” meets Joseph face to face and they talk candidly. He asks Joseph about what he is seeking and helps guide him along that path. It is true the man is an unnamed stranger, but he is hardly ‘anonymous’ to Joseph. The man withholds nothing and exchanges openly with him.
Another Jewish example of idealizing anonymity is the reference to anonymous giving being the highest level of tzedakah (or righteous giving). This example is attributed to the great Jewish philosopher Maimonides (12th century) The truth is, however, that anonymous giving is not the highest level defined by Maimonides. It is the second-highest level of giving - where both the donor and the recipient are anonymous.
According to Maimonides, the highest level of giving is someone establishing a personal relationship with someone in need - helping that needy person as a peer or partner without causing any shame. (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Matanot Aniyim 10:7-8) In the Jewish tradition of giving, the central purpose of anonymity is to avoid shaming the recipient.
In these ways the Jewish tradition teaches values and important life lessons around anonymity. We learn it is appropriate to use anonymity as a shield when protecting someone from embarrassment or shame. We learn it is inappropriate to use anonymity as a sword when seeking to humiliate or demean another. In the days and weeks ahead, may we have the courage to identify ourselves with integrity and drop any pretense or mask. Then may we, like Judah and Tamar, experience authentic transformation.
Rabbi Howard Ruben
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