De-stress: Express Gratitude (Shemot 5775)

This weekend is the 45th anniversary of my becoming a Bar Mitzvah.  I am grateful for many memories from that day (like my parents’ pride or overcoming my anxiety).  But I am embarrassed about one memory:  I did not publicly thank my parents during the service.  I was so intently focused on explaining compelling aspects of the Torah portion -- Shemot, the first in the book of Exodus -- that I did not publicly express gratitude to my parents for all they had done to bring me to that amazing moment.  And they had done a lot!  

Starting a Gratitude Journal

Was I feeling too cool to say thanks? Or trying to keep the focus on Torah instead of on me? Looking back it was very uncool and fairly conspicuous not to say ‘thank you!’ Ironically, that same Torah portion expresses a powerful example of expressed gratitude (more on that below).  

And its not only Torah that teaches us the power of gratitude. 

Neuroscience confirms the power of expressing gratitude.  One of the world’s leading researchers in this field, Dr. Robert Emmons from UC Davis, is partnering ed with UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center to develop evidence-based practices that promote gratitude.  Emmons research proves that those who express gratitude are healthier physically and psychologically -- lower blood pressure, more refreshing and longer sleep, more alertness, greater joy.  The social impacts are powerful too -- more feelings of generosity and compassion, less of isolation and loneliness.  Link to learn more about the science of gratitude, Dr. Emmons, and GGSC.  

Their research demonstrates the value of keeping a gratitude journal -- explicitly logging one’s gratitude.  They also give research-based tips for a gratitude journal such as elaborating in detail about one particular thing for which we are grateful rather than a superficial list of many things. Or focusing on specific people to whom we are grateful rather than things for which we are grateful.  

I encourage students and their families to exercise gratitude -- especially at times of stress -- as an antidote to the downward spiral of stress and isolation accelerated by anxiety.  Students approaching final exams, for example, could really benefit from pausing to express gratitude.  

The Jewish value of gratitude is expressed by the Hebrew term, “hakarat hatov” (lit. recognizing or calling out the good [that someone has done for us]). Gratitude depends on not only appreciating what others do for us, but also actively expressing appreciation for it.  

When Moses is born his mother sees that he is “ki tov - good!” (Exodus 2:2) Presumably, all parents feel this when seeing their newborn; still, it is a rare declaration in Torah.  One explanation from the Sages for this oddity is the timing of the statement.  Her son does not receive the name Moses until months later when he is rescued from the river by Pharaoh’s daughter.  She gives him the name Moses because she “drew him out of the water” (Exodus 2:10) and the name Moses is etymologically connected to that act.  

The Sages assume that Moses was given a name at birth by his mother.  Some read his mother’s “ki-tov -- good ” declaration as a hint that his birth name was Tov or Tuvia.  (Sotah 12b)  We see in these two different namings for him -- good and drawn from water -- Torah seeds of gratitude - hakarat hatov.  Moses is named out of gratitude for the act that rescued him.  He carries always an expression of appreciation for his having been rescued by Pharaoh’s daughter.  

Torah and neuroscience are aligned in advancing expressions of gratitude.  As demonstrated by my own behavior 45 years ago, however, human nature often declines opportunities to express gratitude.  If it is true with expressing gratitude for our parents, how much more so must it be true for those who are more removed from us.  Gratitude depends on not only appreciating what others do for us, but also actively and explicitly stating what others have done for our benefit.  To remain active appreciators we have to exercise both a mindset of appreciation and memory.  

Many times through the years my parents and I have chuckled over my failure to demonstrate appreciation at 13 years-old. While I cannot go back to that moment and fix it, I can remind myself -- and each of us -- just how powerful it is to recognize and remember anything and anyone who has earned our appreciation and gratitude.  And, in the process, reduce stress, increase rest, and grow in compassion.