Quieting Our Assumptions (Vayeishev 5779)

More than 30 million people traveled through airports for Thanksgiving. Traveling to be with family has its challenges. Fictional books and movies, along with real life, remind us that big family gatherings can "breed festering emotional wounds" with one report finding three-quarters of us have at least one family member who annoys us. All of that -- along with my favorite airport story and this week's Torah portion -- came to mind when stuck in heavy SFO traffic dropping off some of our (delightful!) Thanksgiving guests. 

In the Torah narrative this week, the biblical Joseph (of technicolor Dreamcoat fame) is sent out to find his brothers. His reunion with them ends very badly for him. Joseph's older brothers toss him into an empty pit, leaving him to die. Then they sell him into slavery and tell their father he was killed by a wild animal. That part of the Joseph tale is introduced with a verse, his brothers "saw [Joseph] from afar, but before he came close they conspired to kill him." (Genesis 37:18) Talk about "festering emotional wounds!"

I'll return to that verse in a moment. But first, my favorite airport story:

It is about a woman about to take a long flight. At an airport shop, she buys a book for the plane and a package of cookies. Putting them in her bag she heads toward her departure gate.  The lounge area is full so she is grateful to find two empty seats. One for her and the other for her stuff.

The woman takes out her book and begins reading. She opens the package of cookies and enjoys the first one. Out of the corner of her eye, she notices a stranger in the seat next to her stuff. He takes a cookie out of the package. She is startled, but figures 'he must be really hungry.'

After returning to her book for a while she takes another cookie. Then he takes another cookie. She ignores it not wanting to make a scene. And a bit later she takes a cookie, he takes a cookie. She is starting to get mad at the cookie thief. The nerve of some people, she thinks. With each cookie she takes, he takes one too. 

Then there is just one cookie left in the package. The cookie thief reaches in to take it. With a smile on his face, he breaks the last cookie in half and offers half to her. She is fuming. Then he gets up to head to his plane. She is relieved to see him going to a different gate, grateful she doesn't have to fly with such a horrible person. 

She packs up and goes to her gate. Settling into her seat on the plane, she opens her bag to take out her book. She gasps. Underneath her book is her package of cookies. If my package is here, she says to herself, then the other package was his! He's no thief. Far from it; he even shared his package with me.* 

Now back to that Torah verse. The plain reading of this verse seems clear. The brothers' jealousy got the better of them. For instance, according to Ramban (13th century, Spain), the brothers already had tried other ways to bring about Joseph's death "from afar." Only when those efforts failed did they plan to kill him up close.

But Sforno (16th century, Italy) sees just the opposite translating the verb 'to kill' reflexively as if Joseph was the one actually plotting to kill his brothers. 

How different this story feels depending on whether one sides with Ramban or with Sforno. 

How often are we absolutely sure that one thing is true ('he is stealing my cookies' or 'they plotted to kill him') when the opposite is true? Reminding ourselves that things are not always as they first appear is an important step to cultivating learning and growth. If everything is exactly as we imagine it is -- without being informed by different perspectives or experiences -- then where is the room for learning something new. 

Or before we make assumptions about the evil intentions of others, maybe it would be best to pause. Take a breath. Imagine what other motivation might be triggering their actions. That is not always easy. It calls for us to develop more generous hearts and more open minds.  

In the days and weeks ahead may we have the strength to quiet our assumptions and the wisdom to hear the perspectives of others. 

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* Different versions of the Cookie Thief story have been retold throughout the 20th century. Thanks to Craig Thompson for his 2017 blog post about the origins and appropriations of the story.