Gratitude: The Path to Serenity (Shemot 5780)

Santa Monica beach at sunset

Fifty years ago this Shabbat I became a Bar Mitzvah. My preparations included jogging along Santa Monica beach listening to a tape of my Torah portion. I was anxious about all the learning. The beach path was soothing, calm, serene. 

The 50th anniversary has stirred up lots of memories. Mostly sweet ones. Two sour memories. One was dancing awkwardly and super self-consciously at the party after reading from the Torah. Another was during the service. This particular memory brings embarrassment and shame. Which is why it is so important to reflect on it even 50 years later. It is a difficult memory; still, I am grateful for it. 

After reading from parshat Shemot and doing the Haftara and reading my dvar Torah (my chance to teach about the Torah reading), I thanked my teachers, my rabbi, and my friends. But, and this is the embarrassing part, I did not publicly thank my parents. 

I did not say out loud the thanks that I was feeling. Like a toddler who is focused on getting something or finishing something, I didn’t pause to say thanks to the most important people there. Maybe I wanted to look cool or was embarrassed to show emotion. 

Whatever my 13-year old self's motivation, it was a really lousy thing to do. Through the years I've apologized often to my parents for that. Now I've dedicated my learning each year for this Torah portion to their memory as a way of continuing to thank them. 

Ironically, looking into Shemot this week the theme of gratitude jumps out. The Jewish value of gratitude is expressed by the Hebrew term, “hakarat hatov” (lit. "calling out the good"). Gratitude depends not only on appreciating what others do for us, but also actively remembering what others have done for our benefit. This week’s Torah reading nearly begins with a bald denial of appreciation: “There arose a new Pharaoh who knew not Joseph.” (Exodus 1:8)

Many commentators have asked how any Egyptian Pharaoh could be ignorant of all that Joseph did to protect and sustain Egypt from famine. Rashi (11th century France) suggests the new Pharaoh actually did know about Joseph, but he chose to feign ignorance of all that Joseph did for Egypt. In other words, the new Pharaoh was not ignorant, he was an ingrate. 

Set against Pharaoh being an ingrate, Moses in this week's reading is a study in gratitude. When he is born, Moses' mother calls out, "It is good" echoing the divine exclamations of goodness through the Torah's story of Creation. Later when Moses becomes the leader of the ancient Hebrews, he holds onto the Egyptian name he is given at birth (Moshe) instead of changing it to a Hebrew one. The rabbis claim that Moses did this out of gratitude for the Egyptians who raised him when his parents were not available. 

Gratitude is not only a deep Torah value but also new research is showing how gratitude works to improve mental health. Many studies over the past decade have found that people who consciously count their blessings tend to be happier and less depressed. One recent study of several hundred college students confirmed the positive impacts of gratitude even for those struggling with mental health challenges. Participants in this study were selected because they were reporting clinically low levels of mental health -- mostly related to depression and anxiety. 

Study participants all received counseling. In addition, they were randomly divided into three groups. One group was instructed to write a letter of gratitude to another person each week for three weeks. A second group was asked to write about a negative experience. The third group was not assigned any writing. The results: Those who wrote letters of gratitude "reported significantly better mental health four weeks and 12 weeks after their writing exercise ended" when compared to participants in the other two groups. In other words, practicing gratitude on top of receiving counseling carries greater benefits than counseling alone, even when that gratitude practice is brief.

Many times over the years my parents and I have chuckled over my failure to demonstrate appreciation on my bar mitzvah. While I cannot go back to that moment and fix it, I can remind myself -- and each of us -- just how powerful it is to show appreciation. 

This Shabbat and in the weeks ahead, may we have the strength to overcome any reluctance to say "thanks," and the wisdom to use gratitude to guide our path to less anxiety and more serenity. 

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I wrote about similar Torah themes in my blogpost from December 2013, "Gratitude with an Attitude (Shemot 5774)"