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Friendships not only sustain us as individuals but also authentic friendship -- being in relationship with another whose interests we put on par with our own -- is the essential building block of community.
The Torah portion this week features a number of negative models of friendship or fractured relationships. And it’s not just the conflict between the twin brothers Jacob and Esau. There also is the provisional, utilitarian (and, ultimately, false) friendship between Isaac and the king Avimelech.
When Isaac faces a famine in his homeland he relocates to the kingdom of Avimelech who seems at first to befriend Isaac. Avimelech provides nourishment and shelter for Isaac. He even protects his new friend Isaac’s wife, Rebecca, from the lust of strangers.
Isaac settles-in and prospers gaining great wealth, a large household, and lots of herds. Apparently, Avimelech is threatened by Isaac’s prosperity. Avimelech shatters the friendship demanding, “Get away from us, you have gotten way too big for us." (Genesis 26:16) As Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson suggests maybe Avimelech could be friends only with someone dependent on him.
The Jewish tradition contrasts this negative model of friendship with one that idealizes caring regard and mutual support. Ecclesiastes wrote, "Two are better than one . . . because if they fall, the one will lift up the other; but woe to one that is alone when falling because there is not another one to help lift him up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.)
The tradition also identifies friends as crucial to helping us learn and grow. Pirkei Avot teaches the importance of picking friends, “Which is the right path to which a person should adhere? [The path of] a good friend." (Avot 2:13.) Friends can even be more important than teachers, “I have learned much from my teachers, but from my friends even more than from my teachers.” (Ta’anit 7a.)
As Thanksgiving approaches and thinking of twins this week, I recall a chilly Thanksgiving morning many years ago in front of a warm fire watching twins as they sat mesmerized by the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. As the parade ended one of the twins ran to get several decks of cards.
She dumped all the cards on the floor, then she and her brother started building an elaborate house of cards - with towers and tunnels. Just when they had nearly finished their house of cards, a log fell in the fireplace sending out a rush of wind that knocked over the card house. Their once beautiful creation was reduced to a heap of scattered cards.
The twins were young enough that they burst into tears, saddened by what had happened to all their hard work. Then just as quickly the tears passed, they hugged, they laughed, and they picked up the cards to begin building again. The behavior of these twins brings another important lesson about authentic friendship.
There are many things in our lives that we spend time building or energy creating. In a way, every one of these is but a house of cards. Vulnerable. Able to blow over in an instant. It is only our friendships and relationships with others that endure -- that cannot be destroyed by a gust. Authentic friendships endure.
When we are buffeted by winds that knock over the material ephemera of our lives, those who have friendships that will help them recover, laugh, and begin again -- those people will move forward with strength and joy.
As we approach Thanksgiving and, often, intense times with family and friends, may we have the wisdom to nurture our authentic friendships (even with those who are family) and the strength to put the needs of others on par with our own.
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Photo credit: House of Cards Falling Down by Jack Haggard
The Torah portion this week features a number of negative models of friendship or fractured relationships. And it’s not just the conflict between the twin brothers Jacob and Esau. There also is the provisional, utilitarian (and, ultimately, false) friendship between Isaac and the king Avimelech.
When Isaac faces a famine in his homeland he relocates to the kingdom of Avimelech who seems at first to befriend Isaac. Avimelech provides nourishment and shelter for Isaac. He even protects his new friend Isaac’s wife, Rebecca, from the lust of strangers.
Isaac settles-in and prospers gaining great wealth, a large household, and lots of herds. Apparently, Avimelech is threatened by Isaac’s prosperity. Avimelech shatters the friendship demanding, “Get away from us, you have gotten way too big for us." (Genesis 26:16) As Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson suggests maybe Avimelech could be friends only with someone dependent on him.
The Jewish tradition contrasts this negative model of friendship with one that idealizes caring regard and mutual support. Ecclesiastes wrote, "Two are better than one . . . because if they fall, the one will lift up the other; but woe to one that is alone when falling because there is not another one to help lift him up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.)
The tradition also identifies friends as crucial to helping us learn and grow. Pirkei Avot teaches the importance of picking friends, “Which is the right path to which a person should adhere? [The path of] a good friend." (Avot 2:13.) Friends can even be more important than teachers, “I have learned much from my teachers, but from my friends even more than from my teachers.” (Ta’anit 7a.)
As Thanksgiving approaches and thinking of twins this week, I recall a chilly Thanksgiving morning many years ago in front of a warm fire watching twins as they sat mesmerized by the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. As the parade ended one of the twins ran to get several decks of cards.
She dumped all the cards on the floor, then she and her brother started building an elaborate house of cards - with towers and tunnels. Just when they had nearly finished their house of cards, a log fell in the fireplace sending out a rush of wind that knocked over the card house. Their once beautiful creation was reduced to a heap of scattered cards.
The twins were young enough that they burst into tears, saddened by what had happened to all their hard work. Then just as quickly the tears passed, they hugged, they laughed, and they picked up the cards to begin building again. The behavior of these twins brings another important lesson about authentic friendship.
There are many things in our lives that we spend time building or energy creating. In a way, every one of these is but a house of cards. Vulnerable. Able to blow over in an instant. It is only our friendships and relationships with others that endure -- that cannot be destroyed by a gust. Authentic friendships endure.
When we are buffeted by winds that knock over the material ephemera of our lives, those who have friendships that will help them recover, laugh, and begin again -- those people will move forward with strength and joy.
As we approach Thanksgiving and, often, intense times with family and friends, may we have the wisdom to nurture our authentic friendships (even with those who are family) and the strength to put the needs of others on par with our own.
==========
Photo credit: House of Cards Falling Down by Jack Haggard
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