My Parents Brainwashed Me: I Call It Teaching (Chayei Sarah 5780)

Parents provide powerful legacies for their children. A few years ago, Ethan Metzger, then a high school senior in New York, delivered a slam poem about it. Ethan recited, "My parents did brainwash me. My mom she incessantly told me as a child again and again and again to just do the best you can. And that idea is now so ingrained in my mind that I don’t define success as whether I got an A or won the game but whether I gave it my all. You can call it brainwashing if you want. That’s fine. I call it teaching.” 

How did your parents brainwash you?


The power of what we teach to our children -- or what we learn from our parents -- is a fundamental lesson of this week’s Torah portion, Chayei Sarah, where Torah describes two different types of inheritances one generation can leave for the next.

The first type is material or financial.  I believe we see this when Abraham's servant tells Rebecca about her future husband's (Isaac's) financial security: “He [Abraham] has given him [Isaac] all that he owns." (Genesis 24:36) The second type of inheritance is values-based or emotional/spiritual.  We see this a few verses later when the text describes Abraham's approaching death: "Abraham willed all that he owned to Isaac." (Genesis 25:5)

Because Abraham already gave Isaac everything he owned in 24:36, Rashi quotes Rabbi Nehemiah who interprets 25:5 to mean Abraham is sharing his blessing with Isaac. (Rashi on Genesis 25:5). That seems like a spiritual legacy instead of a material one. 

Encouraging us to think about these two kinds of inheritance, this week’s Torah portion prompts us to ask: What are we willing to give to the next generation? It is not enough, if we follow Abraham’s practice, to transmit a material legacy. We also have the responsibility to transmit a legacy of values, a legacy of the spirit.  

The Torah portion also raises the issue of how hard are we willing to work to transmit that legacy of values.  Another feature of this week’s Torah portion is the attention it lavishes on Abraham’s efforts to acquire property in the Land of Israel in which to bury Sarah. This effort by Abraham seems, in some ways, unnecessary because there already has been a divine promise to give the land to Abraham and Sarah and their descendants. With that promise in his pocket, so to speak, why does Abraham need to negotiate and pay a price.  It seems to me Torah is teaching here that to accomplish the most meaningful and fulfilling things in life we need to invest of ourselves.  

Often we invest the most of ourselves when providing a legacy for our children.  

About fifteen years ago a group of us from Cleveland visited an absorption center in Beit Shean, Israel. There had been a sharp economic downturn in Argentina and a rise in antisemitism there that led to an increase in aliyah (emigration to Israel) from Buenos Aires. We were in the tiny apartment of Ariel and Marianna, and Alejo, their 2-year-old son. We were hosted with plates full of cookies and cups of cold soda.  Alejo wanted to join in so he offered us all of his toys.  Actually, he brought out and placed on the table or in our laps seemingly every toy he had -- so excited was he to welcome us into his home.  

We asked, “Why did you come to Israel?”  Ariel answered, “So that Alejo could have a better life here than he would have had in Buenos Aires”

One of my companions asked, affirming, “So you brought Alejo to be in Israel for a better life?"  “No,” Marianna answered, “Alejo brought us!”

Sometimes we follow the lead of our parents. And sometimes our parents follow our lead. Sometimes our legacy is gold pocket-watch and sometimes it is the example we set by following the golden rule. Sometimes our legacy is a treasured book and sometimes it is living by the values treasured in that book. Often our legacy is determined by what we do more than what we have.  

Thinking back to Ethan, let me offer my own appreciation for how my parents "brainwashed" me.

My parents brainwashed me to be kind, 

To honor tradition and question authority, 

To love my family and respect my friends, 

To learn and learn and learn

And never stop growing or knowing,

Be guided by Torah and teachers

To keep trying and trying and trying

(I think I can, I think I can, I think I can)

And never give up.  

How did your parents brainwash you?

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An earlier version of this page was posted here on October 22, 2013. The number of views at Ethan's poetry slam entry has nearly doubled since then.